5 Recent Babylon Bee Headlines That Were Surprisingly Believable

"Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers."

 

5 Recent Babylon Bee Headlines That Were Surprisingly Believable – PJ Media  "The Babylon Bee is easily the best source of satire on the internet. On a daily basis, I see several Babylon Bee headlines in my social media feeds that make me laugh out loud.

"Yet some of the more brilliant stories from The Bee are ones that don’t so much make you laugh out loud but the ones that seem like they could be straight news articles. Here are five headlines from this year that were surprisingly (or not surprisingly) believable.". . .

CDC Recommends Being Fully Vaccinated And Also Getting COVID For Strongest Immunity

Seriously, even the liberal media is calling out the CDC for its mixed messages and lack of credibility; is this headline so far out of the realm of possibility?

 Experts with the NIH, HHS, WHO, FDA, FBI, CIA, and the Bureau of Indian Affairs all have confirmed the CDC's findings as "infallible and immutable."

MyPillow Holds Annual Jan 6 Blowout Sale

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell has been one of Trump’s strongest supporters and has used his considerable resources to highlight allegations of voter fraud in the 2020 election. Quite frankly, he should have had a special sale on Jan. 6. 

That's not all! Earn free shipping on your order if, during checkout, you submit proof of your participation in the January 6 fight to save democracy.

9/11 Memorial To Be Replaced With ‘More Important’ Jan 6 Memorial

Admit it, you thought this was real. And why not? Comparing the Capitol riot to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, or the Civil War is the new Democratic Party national pastime. While the rest of the country has moved on, Democrats in Congress have been obsessing over Jan. 6 for over a year now, and if we go another year without some memorial being planned, I’d be shocked.

 The cost of the memorial is not known, but Pelosi assured everyone that "we have to build it to find out how much it costs."

10 Reasons Remote Learning Is So Much Better For Children

Ask any parent and they’ll tell you that remote learning sucks. But teachers and school boards across the country seem to still be afraid of COVID, and so we’re seeing lots of schools take ridiculous measures to “stop the spread” or whatever. But what makes this headline entirely believable is that a quick internet search will turn up links touting the benefits of remote learning.

 8) The perfect transition to homeschooling: Plus, it will usher in traditional family structure as women are forced to abandon the workforce.

CNN Boasts They Haven’t Had An Employee Sex Scandal All Year

This one made me laugh out loud for a moment and then I thought, “Wait, did they really?” One could easily see Brian Stelter bragging on-air about how CNN has purged itself of known perverts before blaming Fox News for something ridiculous. However, CNN still employs Don Lemon, who is facing accusations of sexual assault. So this headline may be obsolete soon.

 “With all of these changes, we fully expect 2022 to be a scandal-free year here at CNN,” Zucker exclaimed before abruptly ending the interview to take an urgent call from the legal department.

ABC’s ‘The View’ Doesn’t Actually Want A Conservative Co-Host; CNN's Zucker needs to go?

 Goldberg now might be regretting her routine admonishment of McCain on air for the crime of bringing her views shared by millions of conservative women underrepresented in corporate media to the legacy program.

ABC's 'The View' Doesn't Actually Want A Conservative Co-Host (thefederalist.com)  "Meghan McCain will likely be the last woman with truly conservative positions to fill a permanent seat on ABC’s “The View.” Six months after her departure from the show for which she served four seasons, the program is facing a reckoning over its hostile work environment, toxic culture, and intellectual bankruptcy.

"On Saturday, The New York Post cited a former network executive reporting the show’s absence of a non-leftist panelist was “driving Whoopi crazy.' ”. . .

"Goldberg now might be regretting her routine admonishment of McCain on air for the crime of bringing her views shared by millions of conservative women underrepresented in corporate media to the legacy program." . . .

“Being a conservative woman in mainstream media is deeply threatening. Being a woman who can hold her own on a show like that proved to be ultimately threatening, so it became more and more personal,” McCain told Fox News in October. “The more successful I was on ‘The View,’ and the more moments I helped get them and the more I pressed liberal candidates and liberal guests on the show, the worse it got for me backstage and then ultimately it started spilling out on air.”

Ever notice the raucous applause at each opinion expressed by the liberal View ladies? Does some machine or a director give applause commands for that?

Wild Applause: How the Twentieth Century Tamed the Audience. | by Matt Locke | Medium

Another column made the case for cancelling The View; it was dated 2017. How'd that work out?

DEEP IMPACT: CNN Ratings Crater Nearly 90%, Jeff Zucker Needs to Go – PJ Media

. . ."Jeff Zucker has headed up CNN for almost ten years now. The network enjoyed success running his Four Years Hate message against then-President Donald Trump, but over the last year, something has become clear to me.

Zucker isn’t a news guy; he’s an entertainment guy who came up the ranks of NBC (later NBC Universal) serving up “news lite” at the Today Show and then as chief of NBC’s entertainment division.

"Why the network chose the executive who presided over NBC as its once-proud stable of primetime shows went stale and then floundered might never be known.

"However, with a TV-friendly nemesis like Trump in office, Zucker knew exactly what to do, and judging by those CNN ratings from 2017-2020, Zucker executed his nasty business rather well.

"But losing Trump was as if George Lucas had killed off Darth Vader at the end of Star Wars — how would he have gotten a satisfying sequel without the Big Bad?"

. . . Zucker thought that entertainment-oriented News Lite puff-balls like Cuomo, Don Lemon, and (dough-ball in this case) Brian Stelter could serve up hard news.

But they turned out to be a useless bunch of non-news ninnies.

Zucker thought he could tell audiences scary stories about Orange Man Bad long after Orange Man Bad was gone.

Zucker forgot that the first N in CNN is supposed to stand for “News” and not “Ninnies.”

Volunteers Scramble To Rescue Afghan Allies Abandoned By U.S. State Department

 Volunteers Scramble To Rescue Afghan Allies Abandoned By [Biden] (thefederalist.com)

Volunteers receive images and videos every day of Afghans, including children, executed at the hands of the Taliban.

"Two months ago, Rambo, the code name for a commander in the Afghan National Army’s Special Operations Command, and seven other commandos were kidnapped by the Taliban. A video of the commandos’ execution was sent to members of Operation North Star, an all-volunteer organization working tirelessly to secure safe haven for thousands of Afghan allies abandoned by the State Department in post-withdrawal Afghanistan.

"After watching the video hundreds of times in search of Rambo, volunteers “assumed the worst,” according to Ben Owen, a former U.S. Army infantryman and president of Flanders Fields, a nonprofit that raises funds for evacuation organizations Operation North Star and Task Force Argo.

"Two weeks ago, Flanders Fields received a request to acquire a safe house in Afghanistan for an unidentified high-value target. An hour later, Owen received a pixelated photo of a familiar Afghan man being embraced by his family members on the safe house floor. Rambo had escaped Taliban captivity." . . .

Schools In America

Education Secretary Cardona solicited NSBA letter comparing protesting parents to domestic terrorists: email | Fox News   "Education Secretary Miguel Cardona solicited the much-criticized letter from the National School Boards Association that compared protesting parents to domestic terrorists, according to an email exchange reviewed by Fox News. 

"The email exchange indicates Cardona was more involved with the letter's creation than previously known. 

"President Biden's Department of Justice relied on the NSBA letter, which suggested using the Patriot Act against parents, in creating its own memo directing the FBI to mobilize in support of local education officials." . . .

Biden 'perhaps went a little too far' in elections overhaul speech, says liberal senator and ally Dick Durbin | Fox News "perhaps"?  "a little"? 

Chicago Teachers Will Deign to Show Up For Work on Wednesday – PJ Media   "Teachers in Chicago are incredibly busy, so it comes as a relief to Chicago parents that the . . .educators have agreed to come back to work on Wednesday despite their full schedule.

"They will work in some time to teach between union meetings and activist events, although there’s no guarantee how long they will be in class. The agreement to be voted on by the union’s 25,000 members includes “metrics” that will trigger shutdowns if positive tests spike — as they’re bound to do.

"Jesse Sharkey, the president of the teachers union, told the Chicago Sun-Times that Mayor Lori Lightfoot “is being relentless, but she’s being relentlessly stupid, relentlessly stubborn.”

"Speaking of being “relentlessly stupid,” Sharkey solemnly declared that saying remote learning is bad for students is just a “talking point.' ”. . .

The days of the old Daley political machine being able to exercise that kind of clout are long gone. But power abhors a vacuum, and the Chicago Teacher’s Union has a genuine appetite for it. The union has appropriated political power despite being unelected.

Biden's Cabinet: A slew of mediocrity and incompetence

Patricia McCarthy  "Most folks who were paying attention during the Obama administration realized he was racializing and weaponizing each and every one of our law enforcement institutions, among others.  The damage done to law enforcement has been catastrophic.

"How did he do it?  By appointing people who were loyal to him and not because they were particularly smart or competent.  Like the quote above about the personnel who ran Chernobyl, Obama's people were chosen or kept for their dedication to the Obama agenda, which they assumed Hillary would continue.  By the time President Trump took office, all of these agencies were geared up to do Clinton's bidding but instead set out to destroy Trump and his administration with a series of hoaxes, all of which have been debunked.  From Comey to Holder to Brennan, Clapper, and McCabe, all of them were dedicated to one project, one project only: Sabotage Trump.  And sabotage him they did, at every turn, right up to blatantly rigging the election and then falsely accusing him of orchestrating the January 6 event. " . . .

. . ."All of this brings us to the hapless Biden administration and its collection of people chosen for their skin color, sexual orientation, or mindless dedication to the destructive policies of radical leftism.

"Could Biden's Cabinet be any more incompetent?  Not likely.  Jake Sullivan, his national security adviser, was part of the Russia hoax for starters and has been hopelessly awful at his job.  He will be forever tainted by the horrendous, ill-conceived withdrawal from Afghanistan.  Then there is Jennifer Granholm as his energy secretary, the failed former governor of Michigan who, when asked about our rising gas prices, could only laugh like a hyena.  How about Pete Buttigieg as transportation secretary?  From unpopular mayor of South Bend to transportation czar?  He was chosen because he is openly gay, not for any expertise on our national transportation and all that that entails — supply chain, shipping, interstate highways, etc.  Buttigieg is clueless and barely shows up to work for three months, claiming parental leave.  He cannot even manage a traffic tie-up in the snow that left hundreds of drivers stranded for 24 hours.  And what of Ron Klain, who continues to retweet dumb tweets that reveal his cluelessness about the world outside his swamp bubble?  He too bears responsibility for the betrayal of Afghanistan and for the Americas abandoned there, just as Anthony Blinken does, who is even more pathetic than Klain." . . .

Comically Incorrect

Concrete Barriers Are Going Up Around The White House

 Biden Administration Erecting Concrete Blast and Security Wall Around White House - The Last Refuge  "Recently revealed video shows the Joe Biden White House is erecting a concrete (K-Rail) blast and security containment wall directly around the White House.   There doesn’t appear to be any explanation readily available.  Pictures"

Defiant America

"However, there is construction work on the White House fountain and it seems that the construction barricades are placed for that!"  

Perhaps Joe will rehash his days as a heavy equipment operator. TD

Even as Biden tears down our border, he's protecting himself and his friends - American Thinker  "When Donald Trump boasted about and then began building his wall along America's southern border to protect us from illegal aliens flooding in, bringing crime in their wake, and taking jobs from low-income Americans, Democrats insisted that walls were evil.  Walls were ugly.  Walls divided Americans.  Blah, blah, blah.  And when Biden got into the White House, the first thing he did was stop building Trump's wall and throw open the border to illegal aliens from around the world.  Given all that, it's ironic, to say the least, that Biden appears to be building a ten-foot-high wall around the White House." . . .

However, the Democrats have made it clear that if a six-year-old child is raped by an illegal alien sex offender or a 17-year-old boy is executed by MS-13 gang members who sneaked into the country...whatever.  They don't matter.  Walls to protect them are bad.  Very, very bad.  And racist.

. . ."Because my mind has a somewhat conspiratorial cast (I read way too many crime novels growing up, and the Trump-Russia hoax proved conspiracies can be real), I can't help but wonder if this wall isn't being built to further the "insurrection" narrative. Americans will never be told what the threat is; we'll just be told there is a threat from evil right-wingers and that the kind, grandfatherly man who is trying to unite America must be protected."

Leftists have a cow over Tucker Carlson's observations about Nancy Pelosi's strange new appearance -

House speaker Nancy Pelosi apparently has had some plastic surgery. It didn't go well. Tucker Carlson was on the scene to state what everyone was thinking:

 Monica Showalter  . . ."The Twitter mob sprang into action, too.  MEAWW has a summary of the tweets:

One user slammed, "In search of a new low on a nightly basis, Tucker Carlson says that Nancy Pelosi looks like Michael Jackson." One person replied, "I would love to see both the Jackson family and Nancy Pelosi take you to court for this." Another responded, "I'll be the first to say that Nancy Pelosi is a dishonest, manipulative (insert word). But this is in poor taste, even for you bro. Resorting to physical appearance is lame af." One trolled, "Calling Tucker Carlson’s show a news program is about as absurd as suggesting Nancy Pelosi is Michael Jackson."

. . ."It was idiocy because House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was not born with those unnatural looks — she chose to have those looks, through an unusual combination of wealth gained while in office and the money from it to pay for plastic surgery.

"Oh, the horror.  As if the left never made fun of people's looks who couldn't help it, and then pioneered that as a standard mode of leftist argument.

"Ridicule, though, of this kind that Tucker engaged in, was what Tom Wolfe used to do — he specially targeted the status-seekers and social X-rays and other ostentatious displayers of wealth in the era when conspicuous consumption takes on disguised forms but nevertheless is there.  Tucker made fun of it through his Michael Jackson comparison.

"Rather than recognize that, for the Wolfean comic technique that it was and tipping its hat to him for his skill, they took the whole thing literally, sliding down to just where Tucker wanted them, flailing in the mud and spewing rage at Tucker's dreadful social faux pas and tasteless attacks on looks.

"Big deal.  Pelosi knew what she was doing with that weird plastic surgery show.  The reality is, Tucker did, too."

HOT TAKES: Nancy Pelosi's Eyebrows Are a Thing — No, Really – RedState

Finally, toss in late-stage 4 Trump Derangement Syndrome and Madam Speaker’s off-the-charts obsession with all things Donald Trump, and by Jove, I think you’ve got it.  

As if we didn’t already have more than enough target-rich material about which to blister Nancy Pelosi on a daily basis, the 81-year-old woman’s creepy eyebrows are now a thing on Twitter, where they — and she — continue to be mocked and ridiculed in hilarious fashion.

Dome Of Capitol Building Raised To Accommodate Nancy Pelosi's Eyebrows | The Babylon Bee

Liberal Washington Paper: Empty Shelves Aren’t Biden’s Fault, It’s Because You’re All Eating At Home Now…

 Weasel Zippers

4 reasons you’re seeing empty grocery store shelves | The Seattle Times  Begin with number four. Number five should be the presidency of Joe Biden. TD

...."More people eating at home

"A combination of factors from rising inflation to surging omicron cases are prompting households to eat at home more, once again meaning grocery stores are being inundated with shoppers.

"Grocery sales climbed more than 8% in December, according to national retail sales tracker Mastercard SpendingPulse. Stores are still restocking from that surge and have been struggling to keep shelves fully stocked in several categories since the beginning of this year, according to data firm IRI’s consumer packaged goods supply index.

“ 'We’re seeing a lot of restocking and replenishment going on,” said Jessica Dankert, vice president of supply chain for Retail Leaders Industry Association. The heavy shopping season has come at a particularly difficult time for coming out of the holiday period, when families traditionally cook more at home anyway.

"Widespread storms and the increased hesitancy about dining out because of the omicron surge have contributed to more demand at grocers.

"Also, in some cities, restaurants and other food service establishments had to close temporarily due to coronavirus outbreaks among workers, which sent even more families to dine at home in December.

The Great Epstein Cover-Up, Part 2

Unfortunately, the Jeffrey Epstein case couldn’t have happened at a worse time in history. America is going through a withdrawal from accepting the FBI and DOJ are agencies and people of integrity and honesty.

Ann Coulter "Last week, we reviewed our ruling class's strange lack of interest in Jeffrey Epstein's child molestation ring, in which so many of them played a part. The media cover-up is second only to the government cover-up, with prosecutors delivering loss after loss in cases they've been forced to bring (by the police and the public) against the child molester. 

"This week, we'll look at the government's long record of zealously trying NOT to unravel the case. 

"Barry Krischer was the first prosecutor to let Epstein off for child molestation. The local police presented then-Palm Beach state attorney Krischer with bales of evidence. They had affidavits from dozens of witnesses: girls abused by the pederast, the women who recruited them, the butler who cleaned up sex toys after the "massages," as well as records of Epstein's molestation appointments, one delayed because of a victim's "soccer practice."

" Pretty much everything we know today about Epstein's sex ring was unearthed by the Palm Beach Police back in 2005 and handed to Krischer on a silver platter.

"Five underage girls had given police sworn statements that Epstein had sexually abused them, backed by 17 other witnesses, but when Krischer brought the case to the grand jury, weirdly, he allowed only one of the girls to testify -- and then attacked her on the stand! (Epstein's attorneys had helpfully provided Krischer's office with the girl's posts on MySpace, where she talked about boys and drinking, the little harlot.) According to an extensive review by The Palm Beach Post, most of Krischer's 2,800-page investigative file on the case consists of dirt against the teens -- and against the police -- given to him by Epstein's lawyers. (Thanks, Epstein attorneys! Do we owe you anything?) 

"The grand jurors, who'd been meticulously kept in the dark by Krischer, ended up voting only for a single charge of "solicitation of prostitution" against Epstein in 2006.

" He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to five years' probation. No jail time, no record as a sex offender -- no criminal record whatsoever.

"According to Nexis, only one newspaper, The Palm Beach Post, reported at the time -- or ever -- that Palm Beach prosecutor Krischer gave Epstein probation for his years of child abuse." . . .

Bart van Leeuwen

Who Are the Real Insurrectionists?

Stone-cold sober elites are systematically waging a far more dangerous and insidious revolution in the shadows than anything threatened by the American Right.

 Victor Davis Hanson  "Recently, Democrats have been despondent over Joe Biden’s sinking polls. His policies on the economy, energy, foreign policy, the border, and COVID-19 all have lost majority support. 

"As a result, the Left now variously alleges that either in 2022, when they expect to lose the Congress, or in 2024, when they fear losing the presidency, Republicans will “destroy democracy” or stage a coup. 

"A cynic might suggest that they praise democracy when they get elected—only to claim it is broken when they lose. Or they hope to avoid their defeat by trying to terrify the electorate. Or they mask their own revolutionary propensities by projecting them onto their opponents.

"After all, who is trying to federalize election laws in national elections contrary to the spirit of the Constitution? Who wishes to repeal or circumvent the Electoral College? Who wishes to destroy the more than 180-year-old Senate filibuster, the over 150-year-old nine-justice Supreme Court, and the more than 60-year-old, 50-state union? 

"Who is attacking the founding constitutional idea of two senators per state?" 

"The Constitution also clearly states that “When the President of the United States is tried, the Chief Justice shall preside.” Who slammed through the impeachment of Donald Trump without a presiding chief justice?". . .

Why do Democrats value the American experiment so little?

Biden Claims No Option Suspend Filibuster | National Review  . . ."While Republicans have decried Democrats’ voting legislation as a federal takeover of elections procedures, Biden compared opponents of the legislation to southern segregationists.

“ 'Do you want to be on the side of Dr. King or George Wallace?” Biden said. “This is the moment to decide, to defend our elections, to defend our democracy.' ”. . .

Clyburn

Top Democrat Calls for Feds to Seize Control of Elections: States 'Cannot' Be Trusted | Neon Nettle   "One of the most powerful members of the Democratic Party is calling on Joe Biden's federal government to seize control of America's elections.

"Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC), the number three Democrat in the House of Representatives, issued a warning that states "cannot" and "should not" be trusted to run their own elections.

"House Majority Whip Clyburn invoked Founding Father Alexander Hamilton in demanding a more robust federal role in elections.

"Clyburn echoed Hamilton by insisting that presidential elections “should not be left up to the states.' ”. . .

Why are not more people sick of seeing the scowling faces of angry Democrats? TD

Don Surber: Filibuster splits Democrats   "A civil war is taking place. It is Democrats versus Democrats. The party senses doom in the midterms.

"Democrats hold the House now and have only half of the Senate. They must rely on the Mattress Girl vice president to cast any tie-breaking vote.

"This has divided Democrats into two camps. 

"You have heard of the blue dog Democrats and the yellow dog Democrats. Today, Pelosi leads the rabid dog Democrats who want to get everything they can get now, no matter what damage it does to Congress and the Constitution.

"They are secure in the knowledge that Republicans cannot undo the damage for at least 3 -- maybe 7 -- years. FDR, LBJ and Obama knew they could pass laws that Republicans refused to repeal when they took over Congress and the White House." , , ,

Omar And Tlaib Spark Outrage For Laughing During Speech About US Casualties In Iraq

 Omar And Tlaib Spark Outrage For Laughing During Speech About US Casualties In Iraq - Opposing Views

. . ."Many called this a disgraceful display of Rep. Omar’s continued unpatriotic behavior despite taking an oath to represent Americans on matters vital to the Republic.

"Lee had stated, “I’m very glad to say that I was part of the 132 and also the vote for Barbara Lee’s amendment, but I think that the point of that is that that is the same war that we’re dealing with today. We never solved any problems with AUMF, we left 4,000-plus, maybe even 4400 dead, and over 60,000 who came back injured in some form and the war never ended.”

"At this, Rep. Omar burst out laughing out loud, and turned to Rep. Tlaib, who was also laughing. This led to an outcry by the public on social media, with many rallying against Rep. Omar.

"Kayleigh McEnany tweeted; “How low will Ilhan Omar go? Watch her giggle and joke as Rep. Lee talks about American troops who lost their lives in Iraq. Omar has a history of documented anti-Semitism and now this? Nancy???”

"Heather Wolf tweeted; “Anti-Semitic Rep Omar doesn’t care about Americans. It’s very clear by her disgusting laughs at Sheila Jacksons mention of US casualties in the Iraq war. It’s shocking that we have an enemy of the ppl in Congress. Omar should be Expelled & stripped of her Security Clearance.' ”. . .