"Dave Barry presents his annual Gift Guide, full of gifts no one asked for and probably never would."
PISTOL-SHAPED FRIED-EGG MOLD $18.99 plus shipping from amazon.com
"What is more boring than a fried egg? Nothing, that’s what. “As boring as a fried egg” is an expression we have all heard too many times to count. And that’s why we’re so pleased to present this exciting gift idea. This is a fried-egg mold that is shaped like what the package describes as a “Wild West Pistol,” so that instead of an old-fashioned ho-hum round fried egg, you can serve a “Rough And Ready Breakfast” in the form of a fried egg that looks like a firearm. It allegedly also does pancakes."
HANS GRUBER FALLING TO HIS DEATH ADVENT CALENDAR
$9.99 plus shipping from amazon.com; many versions available
"The holiday season is a time of traditions, and few are more cherished than watching the traditional holiday movie “Die Hard,” in which New York police detective John McClane, played by Bruce Willis, engages in a taut and suspenseful game of cat and mouse with the Ghost of Christmas Past. No, sorry, that’s a different holiday movie. In “Die Hard” John McClane engages in a taut and suspenseful game of cat and mouse with evil diabolical criminal mastermind Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman. In the movie’s climax, a bloodied but triumphant McClane watches as Gruber falls to his death from the Nakatomi Plaza office tower. It’s a classic scene, and it inspired some imaginative person—we are using “imaginative” in the sense of “deeply disturbed”—to create this Advent calendar, which enables you to count down the days to Christmas by gradually moving a Hans Gruber figure down the side of the Nakatomi building.
BREAD PILLOW
$25.99 plus delivery from amazon.com
"Here’s the ideal gift for anyone on your gift list who would enjoy having a home decor element that resembles a baked good. This is a pillow made to look like a very large loaf of bread." . . .
HIDEOUSLY UGLY PANTS
$26.95 plus shipping from temu.com, suggested by Ralph Kirshner of New Hampton, N.H.
"Here’s a great gift for the young, fashion-conscious person on your list who wishes to become visually less attractive. Ugly pants are a popular fashion trend, dating back to the invention of “distressed” jeans. What happened was a malfunction at a clothing factory caused the machines to spit out a bunch of jeans that were full of rips and holes. The workers were about to throw them away, when one of the executives—let’s call him Bob—had an idea. ”Let’s sell them!” he said. The other executives were skeptical. ”But Bob,” they said, “why would people spend good money for jeans that appear to have been attacked by irate wolverines?” ”Because people are stupid,” said Bob. He was in marketing. And he was absolutely correct: Distressed jeans were a fashion hit. Soon millions of people were walking around wearing jeans that were 20 percent denim and 80 percent holes.
STD COLORING BOOK; $5.99 plus shipping from amazon.com
"Every now and then we come across a gift item that not only grabs our attention, but also makes us want to spray a powerful disinfectant on our eyeballs. This is such an item. It’s a coloring book containing explicit line drawings of a variety of venereal diseases, including, according to the publisher, “Genital Warts, Syphilis, Gonorrhea and More!” Talk about a fun and heartwarming holiday activity! But it’s not just entertaining: It’s also educational. As one Amazon reviewer wrote: “I had an STD but didn’t know which one I had but this book helped me figure it out! Turns out it was genital warts!” What a happy story! Yes, this truly is a unique gift, a gift that says to that special someone on your holiday list: “When I saw these illustrations of disgusting infections, I thought of you.”
Includes: PLAY-DOH COLOGNE, VOICE DAMPENER, TWO-PERSON PEANUT HEADPIECE.