What is the Tunnel Wall?

.........................A timely collection of conservative articles about corrosive liberal influences on politics and culture in America ......................

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A Bit Late, But...Dave Barry’s 2016 Holiday Gift Guide

Bradenton Herald

"It’s the holiday season, a time when many of us look at our credit-card balances and say a bad word starting with “f,” and I am not referring to “fa la la la la.”
"Yes, this is the time of year when we traditionally spend money we don’t have to buy gifts for people we don’t even necessarily like. But do we really have to go into debt to celebrate the holidays? No! Think about the message of the heartwarming holiday song about the Little Drummer Boy. He was poor, and he had no gift to bring to the baby Jesus. So what did he do? That’s right: He robbed a convenience store.
"No! That is not true. Back then they didn’t even have convenience stores. The Little Drummer Boy gave the gift of his talent, which consisted of whacking relentlessly on his drum, which was no doubt greatly appreciated by the baby Jesus and his exhausted parents.
"Why don’t you do the same thing this holiday season? We don’t mean whacking on a drum for your loved ones (although that would still be more thoughtful than giving them fruitcake). We mean using your artistic talent to create a unique holiday-themed craft gift that sends the heartfelt message: “I spent very little on this.”
“ 'Wait a minute,” you are saying. “What if I have no artistic talent?”
"No problem! You don’t need artistic talent! All you need is a red ribbon and some pine cones, which are available for free in any national park. To make your holiday craft, get some item that you have sitting around your house — a candle, a bar of soap, a flower pot, a spatula, a lightly used toilet plunger, etc. Now simply use your ribbon to tie a pine cone to it, and … Ho! Ho! Ho! You’ve transformed your ordinary household item into a unique holiday-themed craft gift not sold in stores!
"Perhaps you are thinking, “That seems like a lot of work for a stupid and useless gift. Isn’t there an easier way?”
"Yes, there is. You can order one of the ready-made stupid and useless gifts featured in our Annual Holiday Gift Guide, which for the past 27 years has been rated the nation’s No. 1 gift guide by a distinguished panel of distinguished panelists." . . .
Example: A TV-viewing beer mug:
But wait! There's more!

Read more here: http://www.bradenton.com/living/article118419158.html#storylink=cpy

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