Jeff Hayden: Things I am Thankful For

I AM THANKFUL: 2011 Edition; By Jeff Hayden, eldest son of the Tunnel Dweller:

• I am thankful that George Clooney’s hair turned gray because now those annoying paparazzi and autograph hounds no longer mistake me for him.
• I am thankful for that time my boss told me “Good job” without following it up with “this time”.
• I am thankful my children can experience things in life that I never got to experience as a kid - like getting A’s on a report card.
• I am thankful for steady hands and a precise eye that enabled me to punch one more hole in that last fraction of a millimeter on my belt.
• I am thankful for my fellow employees who understand that the break room paper towels are to be installed in the over-hand method. And I am thankful that my fellow employees who don’t understand that will read this and be healed.
• I am thankful that I had no cavities on my last visit to the dentist…except for the massive cavity in the center of my bravery.
• I am thankful my children can experience things in life that I never got to experience as a kid - like relaxing in front of the TV on a Saturday night and not watching Hee Haw.
• I am thankful I can now get an In-N-Out Burger Double-Double anytime I want. Not to be confused with my epitaph which will probably read, “He shouldn’t have gotten an In-N-Out Burger Double-Double anytime he wanted.”
• I am thankful I finally got that last of the seaweed out of my toes a mere 2 months after swimming in the Gulf of Mexico.
• I am thankful that texting didn’t arrive on the scene when phones still just had rotary dials.
• I am thankful my pants eventually dried that day in kindergarten when I decided that listening to the book being read during story time was more important than excusing myself to go to the bathroom. I sure wish I could remember what book that was because I haven’t come across a book since that inspired me to make that same decision again.
• I am thankful my children can experience things in life that I never got to experience as a kid - like having a sandwich at school that wasn’t made with potted meat or Vienna sausage.
• I am thankful we finally got some real paper towels in the break room at work and got rid of those, non-perforated rolls that belong in a grade school bathroom dispenser, much like the ones I used in grade school to wipe my mouth with after eating yet another potted meat sandwich.
• I am thankful for irony- like the word “meat” in “potted meat”.
• I am thankful for fond memories, like when I used to drive that old 96 Toyota Camry and….wait, that was today. Never mind.
• I am thankful that my feeble mind can still do amazing math while half-asleep, calculating how many more times I can hit the snooze button and still show up to work acceptably groomed and dressed.
• I am thankful that, due to proper immunizations, washing my hands regularly and being careful about what I touch and who I hang out with, I should never catch Bieber Fever.
• I am thankful that I have never kept up with the Kardashians. Or maybe it makes more sense to say they aren’t keeping up with me.
• I am thankful that I’ve never had my hand inside of a turkey…or any other animal for that matter.
• I am thankful my children can experience things in life that I never got to experience as a kid- like riding to school in a car with their mom instead of spending 45 minutes on a bouncing, noisy bus stuffed with passengers not too unlike the passengers in that Nicolas Cage movie, ConAir- available on DVD, Blue Ray and frequently on those oddball TV channels that you rarely watch because they only show lame movies like ConAir.
• I am thankful for orange juice because without it I would have no idea what an orange tastes like. Unless orange Skittles are an accurate representation of all that an orange has to offer, but I doubt it. I’m certain orange Skittles are way better than actual oranges and maybe it’s time someone start selling Skittle juice.
• I am thankful my hearing is in pretty good shape despite all the times I was woken up as a kid by having cold water poured into my ear.
• I am thankful that the Rangers won the World Series even though I missed the very end when the Rangers were one pitch away from clinching it because I had to go to the bathroom. Weird though. I never heard anything about a victory parade.
• I am thankful my children can experience things in life that I never got to experience as a kid - like going to a birthday party with a real bounce house instead of just a stack of old, soiled mattresses.
• I am thankful for the couple pairs of pants I have that don’t have that tiny, useless pockette within the regular pocket. This small pocket is just big enough for one of my keys to easily fall into but not big enough for the key to easily come back out.
• I am thankful for the replica Frank Lloyd Wright clock my dad made for me in order to save $120 for an authentic one. And I am thankful for the authentic one my dad found in an antique store for $15 shortly thereafter.
• I am thankful for socks. They keep my feet warm on a chilly night, they cushion my step as I walk and I can wipe my hands on them if I find myself without a napkin.
• I am thankful my children can experience things in life that I never got to experience as a kid- like looking out the window and watching their dad mow the yard instead of seeing their dad looking out the window watching them mow the yard.
• I am thankful that congress recently declared that pizza qualifies as a vegetable because I really need to be eating more vegetables.
• I am thankful that my daughters have outgrown trips to the American Girl store. It took three or four trips to Home Depot just to undo the damage done to my man card on one visit to the American Girl store.
• I am thankful that, even though these jokes are lame, they are still funnier than anything my kids watch on the Disney Channel.