"WORLD — Old Testament scholars announced today that new evidence has revealed Samson actually slew one thousand Philistines with a 6-inch Italian B.M.T. on wheat.
According to researchers, the sandwich that dispatched scores of Philistines remained wrapped throughout the slayings, and that Samson sat down afterwards and commenced to "Eat Fresh."
" 'The last thing the Philistines ever smelled was the unmistakable aroma of Subway bread," said Old Testament professor Dr. Benjamin Hahn. "Armed with black forest ham, genoa salami, and spicy pepperoni, Samson laid waste. No one could stand before him and the sandwich topped with pickles, tomatoes, and light mayonnaise."
"Scholars speculated that the frozen tomato slices allowed Samson to wield the sub like a blunt club. "Place yourself on that field," said Dr. Hahn. "Can you imagine the waves of humanity falling before mighty Samson and his B.M.T.? With every swing, that crunch of the tomatoes and crunch of skulls? The Lord's ways are truly mysterious."
"At publishing time, scholars had stated they believed Samson finished off the last dozen Philistines with a Subway chocolate chip cookie."
. . ."The interaction lasted approximately five minutes, with the unidentified customer questioning the durability and carrying capacity of the meatball sub. "Do you sell extra meatballs?" he asked. "What if I'm surrounded and, uh, I run out of meatballs?"
"At publishing time, the local Subway branch was shut down pending an investigation after a Subway sandwich sold at the location was involved in a crime."
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