Argus Hamilton (jewishworldreview.com) May 9, 2024
• The Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes premiere was held on Hollywood Boulevard Friday with the movie's apes arriving at the movie theater on horseback. It's set in the future. In the movie, the apes take over everything and within one month the federal budget is balanced and the border is secured.
• The California legislature is considering a new bill that would greatly increase the number of grocery store checkers to help reduce self-checkout theft. At the grocery store register today, the guy scanning my groceries was arrogant, impatient and snotty. It's the last time I use self check-out.
• Tom Brady's roast on Netflix bombed Friday because no one showed up with any jokes except Jeffrey Ross. Comedy won't be Tom's strength on Fox Sports next fall. We all agree Tom is smooth and articulate and smart, but he needs at least three more concussions to be as funny as Terry Bradshaw.
• The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art hosted its annual gala fundraiser in New York for members of the Social Register as well as notables in business, politics and entertainment. Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian came to the Met Ball dressed exactly alike. They went as Interstate 95.
• The Kansas City Chiefs re-signed star tight end and Taylor Swift's boyfriend Travis Kelce for two years for $34 million. Kelce's ex-girlfriend told TMZ he was always drunk and Taylor just called herself a functioning alcoholic. They've made it to age 34 in this condition, tying my Los Angeles record.
• The Donald Trump trial teaches young men guidelines for happiness not found in The Art of the Deal. Find a woman who loves you, a woman who loves having sex with you, a woman you can trust, a woman you genuinely like. And, most importantly, make sure that these four women never meet.
• Bill Maher urged President Biden to step aside for another Democratic candidate Friday while Jon Stewart told an L.A. crowd that Biden is just too old. Neither comedian added a punch line to the thought. Bill and Jon may be jealous because they're only 10 years behind Joe but he's remained funny.
• Governor Kristi Noem took out passages from her book that claim she met North Korea's Kim Jung Un. Too bad it never happened. If Kristi needed to put down her dog Cricket, she could have gifted the dog to Kim Jung Un and 2 hours and 450 degrees later he'd have enjoyed Cricket under Glass. End quote
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