Gavin Newsom's 10 Biggest Accomplishments

 The Parodigal Child: Babylon Bee   

"The Babylon Bee put together the following list of achievements to give the governor his due:

1. Defying all expectations, he learned to read: So brave.

2. Successfully ran multiple billionaires out of the state: Who wants people with vast resources, ingenuity, and entrepreneurial spirit in their state?

3. Drastically lowered crime rates by just not prosecuting anything anymore: There's no crime if nobody is a criminal.

4. Helped keep the struggling French Laundry restaurant afloat during the pandemic: Singlehandedly saving a small business.

5. Cleared out a ton of clutter in the Pacific Palisades: Got rid of a ton of those old houses and trees and whatever.

6. Reduced the homeless population by -400%: The math doesn't lie.

7. Made California's education system 03rd overall: Sorry, it's that dyslexia again. It's 30th overall.

8. Increased the state's oil production: It's all in his hair, but it still counts.

9. Mentored the greatest politician California ever produced, Kamala Harris: Thank you for helping make her what she is today.

10. Did not ban satire: He tried, but he didn't. So that's an accomplishment, kind of." . . .