Prepared Transcript Of Joe Biden’s Speech To The Nation About Antisemitism (Satire)

 Robin M. Itzler Good evening, my fellow Americans. First, I want to be clear that the United States of America supports its most trusted ally, Israel, the only democracy in the Middle East. This is why shortly after the horrific Hamas pogrom that killed approximately 1,400 Israelis, injured thousands more, and kidnapped 200 people, mostly civilians, my administration gave Hamas $100 million in humanitarian aid. While Hamas spent most of the money on ammunition, missiles, and guns so they could injure and kill more Israelis, it’s important to note that everything was stored in a hospital, which is why we consider it humanitarian aid.

Then, on November 14, the State Department reissued a sanctions waiver that gave Iran, the world’s leading exporter of terrorism and the number one country funding Hamas, access to more than $10 billion.

And let’s not forget that, before the Hamas attack, we never complained that Iran was ignoring US sanctions and selling its oil to China, Russia, and other pro-terrorist nations and raking in tens of billions of dollars to help fund terrorist attacks in Israel.

. . ."Since the barbaric Hamas attack on Israel, the United States has repeatedly called for a ceasefire to allow Hamas time to plan future attacks. The ceasefire is very important because we need to win Michigan in the 2024 election.

"I’m not supposed to say this, but the Muslims in Michigan mean a helluva lot more to me than the Jews in America or Israel.

"Now I know many Americans are upset seeing rallies supporting Hamas terrorists. There is nothing more frustrating than being held up in traffic by the same protestors you saw at the “mostly peaceful” 2020 Black Lives Matter riots. I understand these Americans’ anger. I get angry when the ice cream store runs out of my favorite flavor.

"By the way, am I the only one who confuses the Palestinian and Pride flags?

"My fellow Americans, I like Jews. Jewish delis make the best pastrami sandwiches. Surely, Hunter must have slept with some Jewish women." . . .