A Dave Barry Two-fer: Where to Christmas Shop and What to Shop For

Dave Barry on where to shop; Christmas Shopping; a Survivor's Guide  "These days, people say "Season's Greetings," which, when you think about it, means nothing. It's like walking up to somebody and saying "Appropriate Remark" in a loud, cheerful voice. But "Season's Greetings" is safer, because it does not refer to any actual religion. Some day, I imagine, even "Season's Greetings" will be considered too religious, and we'll celebrate the Holiday Season by saying "Have a nice day." "

And when you get into the mall, this will tell you what to buy. Or maybe not: Dave Barry’s Gift Guide   "But my point is, if you’re just getting started now on your holiday shopping, you have already missed the mall bargains. That’s the bad news. The good news is, you’re still in time for our annual Holiday Gift Guide, which features a collection of unique gift items that you are not going to find at the mall, because not even holiday mall shoppers are desperate enough to buy these items."

Let's begin, shall we?

‘ON THE GO’ CHARACTER INFLATABLE POTTY SEAT  "...you can simply inflate this potty seat, using your mouth, then put it on the toilet seat for your child to sit on. Then you simply deflate the potty seat and burn it, because you’re not going to want to keep it around, let alone reinflate it."

‘THE WOOFER’ WEARABLE SOUND SYSTEM FOR DOGS  "If there’s one thing that everybody agrees on, it’s that dogs do not make enough noise."...
NFL PRO TOASTER "But if you want to be a REAL fan, you need to show your support in the most meaningful way of all: with toast."
MEGA PLUMBER ACTION HERO "...we’re sure he’ll provide hours of quality entertainment for any child who enjoys fantasizing — and what child does not? — about unclogging drains."
POTATO-CHIP-GRABBING HAND "Is there anything worse than getting your hands greasy from using them to manually pick up potato chips?"....
ARTIFICIAL GRASS FLIP-FLOPS  "These are the official flip-flops of the United States Supreme Court."

TRAILER-HITCH-MOUNTED STRIPPER POLE "The big problem with conventional stripper poles is that they are attached to strip clubs, which are large heavy buildings and therefore difficult to transport."

 

SQUIRREL AND CHICKEN MASKS  "So you appear to be an attentive, interested, meeting-attending squirrel or chicken, no matter what you are actually doing with your face in there."

TOILET TATTOOS  "If you’re like most people, it has been a long time since you remarked: “That is certainly a visually interesting toilet seat!”"

INFLATABLE UNICORN HORNS FOR CATS  "Do you have cat lovers on your holiday list? If so, here’s a gift that is sure to make them say: “What?” "

EMERGENCY UNDERPANTS DISPENSER "This year, give the precious gift of peace of mind. Give emergency underpants"