"Scientists tell us that during the eclipse UPS trucks will appear to be green, microwave ovens will actually make food colder, and any Starbucks beverage with a name ending in “ino” will spontaneously explode. Also all of the television sets on Earth, even those that are turned off, will simultaneously show the same “My Pillow” commercial."
Dave Barry
"On Aug. 21, the United States, having won a bidding war against Qatar for the rights, will host a total solar eclipse. To help you get maximum enjoyment from this rare celestial event with minimal injury or death, here’s an eclipse Q&A:
"Q. What causes a total eclipse to happen?
"A. The best way to understand it is to imagine that the Earth is a cantaloupe, and the moon is a grape. The grape travels in a circular path (technically called a “trajectory”) around the cantaloupe, while at the same time the cantaloupe travels around a flaming basketball representing the sun. Once in a great while, the grape reaches a certain point (the “hypotenuse”) that causes it to cast an unusually harsh shadow (the “penumbra”) and the resulting reduction in temperature extinguishes the basketball, thus plunging the cantaloupe into total darkness.
"Q. So you’re saying that during an eclipse the sun actually goes out?
"A. Only for a few minutes. It usually comes back.
"Q. What if it rains on Aug. 21?
"A. The eclipse will be held the following Monday." . . .
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